Words in My Head a Chemical Soup of Confusion a Poem by Patty L. Fletcher

*Author’s Note*

Poem and backstory are 875 words counting title and byline.

Most times my words don’t come out right,

though they sound great in my head.

Then they come tumbling out of my mouth,

and I want to shout,

“That sounded great in my head!”

But once the words were out,

for one awful moment

I wished I could disappear instead.

Then I stepped beneath the morning shower spray

and let the water wash those thoughts away.

I’ve got too many things to live for these days.

So, I try to explain.

I’ve been here,

done this before,

and each time I do it

I feel something slip a little more.

Losing another friend this way

might just do me in.

But should they give me the chance

to try again,

I pray I’ll do better.

I’d like to think

I would give that chance

if I were in their place.

But so many times

I keep mucking it up,

and now I must take the advice I give.

I must ask them to forgive.

I must try harder

to be the kind of friend

they have been to me.

OH! My Mother Goddess,

please, won’t you help me?

Help me become the woman I know I can be

instead of the bitch

who sometimes comes roaring out of me.

Take away this mixed-up chemical soup.

Please, Mother Goddess,

give it a scoop

and toss it out

like Blue Dog’s poop.

How many times can I screw up

before everyone is gone.

Why must I keep singing

this same damned song?

OH, Mother Goddess,

what am I doing wrong?

Why do I keep making

the same damned mistakes?

How much more

can the people I love take?

I haven’t always done what I say.

I haven’t always done

what I tell others they should do.

I’ve broken my own damned rules.

So, this is me

saying to you:

I’m gonna climb

back up this damned ladder again.

I’m gonna try harder,

make amends,

and work to be worthy

of being your friend.

Because losing you

would break my heart,

and I don’t want

our friendship

to come to an end.

Backstory…

Earlier this weekend, I read something that I later learned I had misunderstood.

I took it upon myself to say something about it to my friend, but what was in my head was not what came out of my mouth. Before I knew it, we were caught in a misunderstanding, and I felt my world slipping out from underneath me.

It was a terrifying moment.

My sister is here, and she held me. She let me cry. She listened without judgment, and I am grateful beyond words for that.

It is difficult to find myself in this place again. I had been doing better, and then suddenly, everything tilted.

I’ve lost many people because of things connected to my mental illness, and fall is the hardest season of the year for me. Knowing that means I need to pay closer attention to what is happening within me.

I cannot go backward, and I must not carry this mistake around like a noisome stone in my heart.

Whether anyone else gives me a brand-new start or not, I must give one to myself.

That does not mean pretending nothing happened. It means taking responsibility, apologizing where I need to apologize, learning from what happened, and doing the work necessary to keep from repeating it.

Some of what I live with may never completely go away. But I’ve gotten out of the habit of doing my body, mind, and spirit check-ins, and that’s important.

When I don’t practice somatic mindfulness several times throughout the day, I can lose track of what is happening inside me until everything becomes overwhelming. When that happens, it affects not only me but also the people I care about.

I cannot allow myself to neglect that work anymore.

I believe everyone has the right to feel as they do and believe what they will. I do not have the right to decide what another person thinks or feels, nor should I question the validity of their feelings simply because I understand something differently.

I must learn to stop, check in with myself, listen, and ask rather than assume.

So, please, in whatever way you are able, help me remember to do that.

I am still learning.

Still climbing.

Still trying to become a better friend and a better version of myself.

And that brings me to the poem I wrote this morning…

This post is sponsored by Somatic Mindfulness Personal Development Coach Kaila Allen of Creative Guidance LLC.

Please see her information below. It works. I know for sure because when I do the hard work it pays off and when I don’t I get what’s above.

Kaila is good at what she does. She is authentic in that she will tell you right up front that she’s not doing the work for those she works with but with them because she is human too and sometimes, she has the same troubles we do.

Okay, here’s @CoachKaila2 to tell you more.

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Creative Guidance is dedicated to coaching clients through the barriers that hold them back, with a specialized focus on supporting the blind and visually impaired community. Led by Coach Kaila, the practice uses somatic awareness and mindfulness to help individuals process and move through the complexities of identity and life transitions. She partners with you to navigate the “messy middle,” ensuring you evolve past challenges to arrive at a place of clarity and joy.

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