Patty L. Fletcher
What is it like to be held prisoner by your past?
Not so long ago I had an issue with telling exaggerated truths. Basically that’s what some call a white lie. I’m not sure of all that.
What I am sure of are the mistakes I made.
Because of past behaviors, which were caused by feeling insecure, and as if I belonged nowhere. It was my belief that if I did things like tell exaggerated truths, I would be more desirable. I’m not sure how this began. I feel that it is unfair to be forever held prisoner by one’s past. I have worked very hard to no longer behave that way.
Having gone through this is causing issues in my current everyday life. It causes me to have low self confidence, asking too many questions, clinging too tightly to people, and I always feel I must prove myself over and over again.
While I am more than honest and work very hard to remain impeccable with my word as much as is possible,
I don’t know how to stop this horrible feeling of insecurity and lack of self worth, and try as I might, I simply cannot seem to find sanctuary anywhere.
By Sanctuary I mean a place of belonging, and true new beginning. The result of past mistakes, unresolved guilt, and hurt seems to follow me where ever I go. I am working as hard as I can to be and remain well. I am doing all that I know to do, and more than what is required of me.
I, at times have trouble verbalizing things. I prefer at times to write what I think and feel, but few are able to deal with this method for very long periods of time. Those that were, are for reasons unrelated to me no longer available. It is my hope that in the future they will somehow be again.
I enjoyed a wonderful email relationship with a very intelligent person whom I could gleam much information and learning, but life has taken them away to a new place and time for their life.
While I am happy for them beyond belief I am sad for my loss.
I am working on coping skills and trying to renew my support system. I have yet to be successful.
I have heard it said that I come across as needy or too easily attached. This makes me want to retreat, but at the same time I crave human companionship. The two together make a horrible painful confusing mix.
I am ever hopeful for a solution, but see none in my immediate future.
I am glad to take feedback on this subject, and hope for truth and kindness.
I’m not sure the two go together.
Thanks for taking the time to read this, if you did.
Patty L. Fletcher