Happy Saturn’s Evening from all in the Campbell Kingdom, here in CAMPBELLSWORLD ! ! !
It has been a rather turbulent week and I for one am glad it is coming to a close.
First of the week found me feeling kind of on the shoulder of the road emotionally. Was still getting over a very bad chest cold, and was feeling rather restless and a bit depressed. I decided to get out and have some breakfast. Campbell and I made our way to our Favorite Food City, where as usual we received awesome serivice, and great friendly company from all we encountered along our way. Had a nice visit with a friend, and caught a ride home.
Tuesday found me trying to play catch up and fighting serious depression. Have been spending entirely too much time in my head of late, and felt quite on the verge of a melt down. I had no idea how close I was.
Woke up the next day with that kind of hollow feeling you get after you’ve been hit directly in the stomach with a serious emotionally charged bit of news, and the only thing I could figure that it could be was that I’d been dealing with allot of small stresses in my life, and that along with the problems with moving were just becoming too much.
In the afternoon of that Woden’s day I came upon a conversation being had about me by people who had claimed to be my friend, and it was very hateful and rude. I let them know they’d been seen, and they basically did not care. Eventually one thing led to another and I, already being emotionally charged, and now feeling this hurt and anger on top of it, exploded into a rage. (Can anyone say ‘anger management?’
Even with that harsh and hurtful event having taken place, I decided to go out and participate in an event with the Friendship Connection Peer Support Center http://frontierhealth.org
It turned out to have been a great idea. I had a wonderful time. Campbell and I had our pictures made with Santa and one of our very bestest friends, and even got to show off our GPS on the iphone and help our driver get us back home after he became separated from the others in our convoy.
The next morning I woke to dropping temperatures but once Campbell and I had our frozen frosty frigid sniff-fest and I settled down with a nice hot cup of peppermint tea, I felt much better, and thought it might be an OK day. That however was short lived.
I begin going through Email, and soon came upon a message from a dear friend that said the person I’d had the nasty disagreement with the day before had copied my explosive message and sent it to her, and she was upset, I was humiliated, and feeling extremely hurt. I could understand how our issue had gotten out of hand. I could understand his being upset at my choice of wording during my explosion, but I could not for the life of me see how someone claiming to be a Christian, using that as his reason for his upset, could send a message to someone who was not involved, and had no idea even who he was. To me that says issues, and I’m sorry. There are meds for that dude, was about all I could think to say. I have however since, found other things to say, have said them, and have now blocked him so that he cannot send messages, or contact me via FB. However, that incident left me feeling hurt humiliated, and completely without faith. I could not at all see how I could celebrate a holiday designated to celebrate the birth of Christ and the beauty and safety that supposedly represented, after what had happened as a result of one of his followers. I spent that entire Thor’s Day crying and pacing the floor. As the wind roared frigid through the trees, and blew it’s cold angry self all around the house screaming round corners and moaning in the eves, and I felt more alone and re inside than ever before.
Then as the day came to a close, and the sun began to set in the sky, I realized one of he many reasons for my upset. I stopped and sat completely motionless and held my breath as the thought took shape in my mind. It dawned on me that I was experiencing one of my sayings firsthand. I have been going round for over a year now telling anyone wo would listen, “If you don’t want people to know how you are, don’t be that way.” It also dawned on me that I’d been that way, someone had learned of it, and I was embarrassed. Basically I could either sit in my pity, or do something about it. So, once again I pulled myself out of a puddle, and owned it right in public on the very comment section all the rest of that mess had taken place, and posted to my timeline as well. I had to laugh. There was nothing else to do for it.
But somehow the depression that had been threatening to swallow me whole all week would not let go. I felt numb, and exhausted. I found myself avoiding people, and making excuses to stay home. Pretty soon the week had come to an end, and I was somehow making it back up the scale.
I’d been going through old blog posts, and had found one named, “The Leg Loose In the Lounge” and had laughed, laughed, and laughed! I reblogged it here, and added some words to the beginning explaining why I was doing so. Somehow that started me feeling even better, and soon I was straightening the living room, reading a book, and having dinner.
Saturn’s Day dawned rainy and raw. Even though it was in the high 30’s and I was absolutely thrilled, the air was still rather uncomfortable to be in. The dark mood I’d had earlier in the week seemed to be back, and once again I found myself in tears. Then I realized there was simply only one thing to be done. I sat down, and began to write about the very point in time when I know I began to slide into a very bad, and unusual type of bipolar. Not unusual in the kind it was. Bipolar can have disassociation tendencies, but it was unusual for me. I’d never had such before. I however have been so guilt ridden due to the things I did during that episode and things I’ve done since, I have done lots of damage, but I felt if I could write about it and explain what had happened to me during that time, I’d be able to begin to heal.
I worked on it all morning long, and soon had it ready to post. You can read it here on this site. It is called, The Sun, the moon, and the Truth. It was one of the hardest things I ever wrote. I literally bared my soul, told a story of a very humiliating and terrifying time in my life, and talked about the things I’d allowed myself to do because of it. Now, I realize there were times when I could not at all help myself. Doctors have told me I could not have stopped had I realized and wanted to. But there have been some times since that the things that happened were simply because I got caught in loop thinking and either could not, or would not stop. I have always believed it was a bit of both.
Somehow the writing of that time was like a purging. I felt cleansed, and as if a huge weight had been lifted, and I have no regrets from posting. I have had a few ask why I did, and I hope what I’ve written here explains it a bit more.
I plan to talk more about these things as times go along. I have a friend who told me to either be hot or cold, but to keep it out of the middle. First damn time anyone ever advised me to go to an extreme, but there it is.
Anyhow, now it is late in the evening. I am babysitting for my nephew and niece in law. My grand nieces have fallen asleep. Campbell is downstairs snoring in one of his favorite chairs, and all is for the moment quiet, calm, and right with my world.
I have no idea what the results of my writing will bring. I placed that with my higher power, and have left it for now.
I’m hopeful for a new beginning with the new year, and wish it for all.
Until next time, this is Patty and King Campbell AKA Bubba the most awesome Seeing Eye Dog saying…
May harmony find you, merry Christmas and Happy Solstice, Blessid Be.