Unnecessary Feelings, Casting Away Lack and a Treasured Visit

Unnecessary Feelings, Casting Away Lack and a Treasured Visit

Good evening to you all. I hope this post finds you well.

Today, I found myself totally caught in the spell of my Writerly Muse and could do nothing to dissuade her from taking over the day.

I began the following writing at 9:30 this morning with no more intent than to jot down a few words in my journal. Since that time, I have written, edited, rewritten, prayed and finally, what you are about to read is the result.

I must say, I feel rather hollowed out but someday this writing will find its way into my trilogy, “Pathway to Freedom Broken and Healed”

For now, I give myself to you.

Keeping in mind this is a raw draft with no professional proofreader or editor’s touch, your feedback is welcome and wanted.

MAY 18, 2021

MOON PHASE WAXING CRESCENT

Now I’ve had time to sort my feelings about Polly and the kids’ visit, I guess I’m ready to write a bit about it. Overall, it was wonderful. We all seemed to get along and it didn’t appear to take much effort to get into rhythm with one another. Of course, as is always the way of such visits it wasn’t until near the end of their week-long stay that this truly began to take hold.

For me, the best parts were the times we all sat round just hanging out talking. I loved getting to know my grands in such an intimate way. I found the best times for this to happen were during meals. Even though I don’t have a large dining table, we always somehow managed to eat supper together. Breakfast and lunch appeared to happen whenever the mood struck but supper was a family affair and I loved it.

I also loved when we went to the park together. The first time we did this was on Mother’s Day, which was their first full day here. I tell you; nothing has ever before given me such pleasure as waking up on Mother’s Day with the knowledge that my daughter and grands were slumbering peacefully just feet away.

my grandchildren are some amazing kids. Now, I know all grandmothers say this, but you must keep in mind that I haven’t had them in my life for 8 years and so really didn’t know what to expect. What I found was that they’re a close to one another, love one another, are respectful and kind to everyone and thoughtful as well.

The love and care they lavish on the baby is quite amazing to watch, the child wants for nothing. When mother is busy there is a big brother or sister waiting to step in. They all care for one another so much and one night when we were sitting round talking one of the girls said she thought it odd that my sisters and I didn’t live close to one another. When Polly and I explained that things like work and marriage might cause the kids to move apart from one another exclaiming in one voice they declared they simply couldn’t imagine not having one another in their daily lives.

The whole family seemed to move with a rhythm that was beautiful to watch and even when there were squabbles, they didn’t last long and many times the ones not involved would step in and work to settle things before Polly or I could move in.

I asked Polly if this was normal or if they were on their best behavior for me and she assured me this was how they behaved all the time.

During an evening when polly went out to visit with an old friend, I kept all six kids, and it was the most fun ever. The bigger girls helped with the youngsters and the baby played happily with all of us.

I sat talking with my oldest granddaughter Telucia, the last time I’d seen her other than a brief moment in time during my nephew Ricky’s funeral she was but 5 or 6-years-old. Earlier Polly had told me that Telucia was heavily into drawing and as we talked, she asked lots of questions about the magazine and finally when she worked up the nerve she said, all in a rush, “Do you ever think you would put art into it?”

I’d known what she was working up to and so I said, “Absolutely, we could call the column the Grapevine Gallery.”

We also talked about how Polly had sent me the cold slaw recipe and that I wanted her to start sending me more. One thing led to another and we decided we could create a column called Polly’s Pantry and have recipes from Polly as well as other contributors.

Telucia who is 15 took a great interest in the work I do. It was so great to sit and chat with her. To see the young lady she’s becoming under her mother’s loving hand is quite breath taking.

Katie, who simply exudes love and kindness, is following hard on her older sister’s heels. The love and friendship Telucia and Katie have with one another is extraordinary. Both older girls should look out because sweet little Lucy is going to soon overtake them. Never have I met such a wonderous child. Her intelligence and awareness far accede the abilities of even the brightest 5-year-old children.

Cash and Jack are the closest of brothers and though they get into it every now and again their obvious love and loyalty to one another is quite awesome to behold.

Baby Raven is a delight. The love and happiness radiating from him fills any room he is in with such gleeful energy there’s room for nothing other than joy.

I must admit, there were a few things which bothered me, but as I write this to you, I realize it is my pride which causes me to feel so, nothing anyone else caused. I guess, the biggest thing was the fact I couldn’t hide my poverty. The lack of simple things like hand soap at the kitchen and bathroom sinks and a small trashcan for the bathroom and laundry basket for dirty clothes seemed to cause a bit of anxiety for Polly and the kids. Thing is, I suppose I could’ve made sure such things were available but living by oneself cuts down on the need for things like that a bit. For me, it seems no trouble at all just to have a bar of soap on the bathroom sink and carrying my clothes and dumping them into the washer until there are enough to make a load has never been a bother.

I know, in a family their size these things are burdensome, but over the years, I suppose I’ve just learned to make do. For me, the problem wasn’t so much the not having them but rather the not having the money to hand Polly to go and get them.

It turned out when she went to the store to get groceries the kids would eat, she bought hand soap for the bathroom and kitchen sinks and a small trashcan for the bathroom. I’ve always just gathered my trash when leaving the bathroom and carried it to the kitchen trash but again, for one person this is quite easily done for a large bunch I suppose not so much. The worst part is I must admit having the bloody thing is rather handy despite my insistence that it’s not a true necessity. Anyhow, through no one’s fault but my own, the situation caused me to feel rather inadequate.

There were other things too. When we went to get ice cream, I’d planned to hand her my debit card to pay but when the total was rung up, I quickly realized that even though my dad had put some money on my PayPal cash card due to an automatic draft having been stealthily awaiting a balance to appear so it could gobble it up there simply wasn’t enough left.

To say I felt rather hideous not even being able to buy my grands ice cream would be an understatement.

Thing is, it didn’t seem to bother Polly in the least. If it did, she made no show of it. Instead, she took pictures of us together and posted them into her vacation album on Facebook with pride. I really do believe she understood and that to her the most important thing was that we were together. I must admit sitting there in the late afternoon sun listening to their happy bantering with one another and the baby’s joyous chatter was the most precious gift anyone has ever given to me and it was my own foolish pride which created the shadow that no one but me seemed to feel.

Sitting here at my desk which was gifted to me thanks to a grant I realize that so much of what is in this house has come from the kindness of others and I can hear Donnie my EX-fiancé’s voice ringing in my ears stating, “You’ll never be anything other than what you are, which is nothing. Why do you try?” I so very much want to become totally self-sufficient. I want to be able to buy a few miscellaneous items just for fun when my grandchildren come to visit without worrying whether I’ll be able to make back the money I’m spending before the next bill comes due. I want to have enough of a cushion to not have someone’s gift of a few extra dollars disappear as soon as it hits the card. I’d like to be able to see an event happening downtown on a Friday evening and know I had enough money to afford not only the event and ride to get there but a drink or two once I’ve arrived. I’d like to not feel such anxiety when I see my shoes starting to give out and I’d like to be able to take advantage of a spring sale once in a while without being fearful I won’t be able to make the rent. I know that things must change drastically if this is to be so.

The first thing which must go is this 800.00 dollar rent payment I’m making each month. My main monthly income is only 1219 dollars and the little bits of money I make assisting people with their marketing barely fills in the gaps between checks. Heck, I didn’t even have a way for the kids to watch a movie because my TV is such a dinosaur that it didn’t have the right jacks to connect any of our devices. So, in entertainment I was also lacking because TV cable is something I simply don’t see the need to pay for. When I’m alone, I prefer a book to TV and so other than the local news and a game show every now and then and at times a Saturday night’s binge-watching session of Columbo on Cozy TV the thing is never on.

I’m rather disgusting, aren’t I?

Well, if you think that’s disgusting, the worst of me is yet to come. When the posts began showing up on Polly’s Facebook about the things they were doing in Florida with the other grandparents who were able to give the kids things I couldn’t that old, nasty green-eyed monster rose up and the envy and jealousy I felt was almost overwhelming to the point of vomiting However, rather than vomit I simply attacked the 10 beers left from the 12-pack I’d allowed myself to indulge in with the few dollars left over after I’d paid my phone bill with the money I’d made from a client’s payment in my frig which was to have lasted the month I drank myself into oblivion. Not the wisest choice but well….

Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t begrudge them one moment of fun in the sun with their other grandparents it was only that I wanted to be able to do things with them and I couldn’t. This feeling of inadequacy is all on me. No one made me feel so.

Whilst I sat in the floor drinking beer after beer with the music blaring, the anger caused by my situation grew. Suddenly I began casting. I drew up a circle of power round myself and let loose with all sorts of magik I’d been too afraid to cast.

With the music vibrating through me and tears cascading down my face, I cast for more prosperity, for blocks to be removed and I cast for mine and another with whom I am currently estranged friendship to be mended. I cast so long and hard that when I was done, I could barely climb out of the floor and regain my feet.

My power was spent, and I found that not only did it take nearly an hour for me to become grounded enough to do more than sit in my chair and drink water, but I was also starving as well. Not just hungry from not having eaten much that day but ravenously hungry as if I’d not eaten for days. I’d read about such things happening to people after casting long bouts of magik but up until that moment I’d never experienced it for myself. I found it both exhilarating and terrifying all in one moment.

There is one ray of hope and actually, it came while Polly and the kids were here. I finally, have an interview with Kingsport Housing. If I can get into a rent-controlled apartment some of my financial issue will ease. I am ever hopeful. It must be in a good neighborhood, must have sidewalks and a bus stop which is easily gotten to.

Reader’s note.

Between 3 and 4:00 as I was proofreading all I’ve written here, another apartment manager from a complex I’ve applied to has called to say they’ve a vacancy. I’ve made an appointment. So, now I’ve an appointment with Kingsport Housing on Woden’s Day and with another apartment manager on Thor’s Day. Again, it is confirmed that I am firmly ensconced in the palm of the creator and why I bother to become stressed out is a mystery to me.

I suppose for all of us being able to step out on what our earthly senses tell us is an invisible tightrope is quite frightening, but I must continue to believe…

There is no part of my life which does not belong to the Goddess.

There is no part of my body which does not belong to the Goddess.

I am she and she is me.

We are one, yet we are we.

So! Mote! It! Be!

Blessid Be!

Amen!

Thank you, Goddess, for the sun.

Thank you now day’s done, all my needs, wants and desires they’re met.

Thank you for what I have and have not yet.

Thank you when day is new, I will still be me and you will still be you.

Guide my path. Light my way.

Give me that which to do and say.

So! Mote! It! Be!

Blessid Be!

Amen!

PS. When Polly returns home after the second portion of her vacation, she will be sending me a folder of pictures. So, watch for future posts which will include those.

6 Comments

  1. joanmyles Reply
    May 18, 2021

    Beautiful, thank for sharing your heart dear Patty!
    There is a Hebrew song that says:
    The world is a very narrow bridge
    and all that matters is not to be afraid.
    Wishing you Love and Blessings on the Journey.

  2. Well hi there again LOL I am trying to comment on your comment LOL. Thank you for reading and commenting. And I like the sound of that song.

  3. Peter Altschul Reply
    May 18, 2021

    What a glorious reunion and from-the-heart writing. At some point, more showing and less telling will strengthen this piece.

    1. Good morning Peter, yes, at some point this piece will be revised and included in my trilogy. At this point, I simply needed to tell it and release it out of my system.
      Thanks for reading and for your feedback.

  4. Bless you. May it be as you desire, you deserve so much more for all your kindness and talent. May you receive as you give.

  5. I am so glad that you had such a grand time with Polly and her babies! Again, I admire your honesty in your writings! You are blessed my friend and see many more blessings coming your way!

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