New Year and Self Discovery

New Year and Self Discovery


Patty L Fletcher

December 31 2015   Mid-Evening

New Year’s Eve dawned unseasonably warm, but temperatures were forecast to drop back to below normal over the weekend. I had to admit as I clicked off the radio that I was glad. Although I knew both animals and plants would die as a result of so many having come back to life  due to the unusual weather I also knew it had to be. Things were unstable, and it was not just the weather that was so.

Everyone felt it, but no one spoke of it. We all knew the shift was coming we just didn’t know when.

As time went along that day and I began to prepare for the night’s festivities, I prayed to Gaia and Isis, for strength and wisdom. As daylight turned to dark, and the night came upon us everyone was gone from the home place but me, Campbell and Bob Cat. I’d spent a few moments with my nephew just hanging out and catching up, and then they were off for their own celebration. We’d all spent Christmas together and that had been awesome, but now it seemed right for us all to be doing our own stuff. I for one was already enjoying my time. Campbell was running around like crazy with his Kong Bone, we’d named Chewy Man shortly after our beginning to go to visit Bobby in Knoxville, and he seemed to be enjoying my happy mood and the rock&roll music I had blasting on the stereo.

I had to say the little buzz I had going was awesome too. I didn’t make a habit of drinking much these days but I was feeling my oats this particular New Year’s Eve and for lots of reasons, mainly? Cause I was damned proud of the way I’d managed to get through this year and end it on an upswing. Even though I’d had to spend time in the Crisis  Stabilization Unit I couldn’t say much bad about how things were ending up for me. I was not in danger of losing my home, I had food, my other needs were met, and I’d even been fortunate to get a microwave and bus coupons for Christmas, among other awesome things. The best part? There were signs that my wishes might someday come to be true. I couldn’t barely dare to hope, some were only rumblings and rumors of possibilities for the far away future, but it was better than what I’d begun the year with. On both losses, there were possibilities and I would simply continue to give it over to Mother and Father God and continue to have FAITH that all would “Be Well”

As the night wore on I began to play music of all types on my Apple Music, and post to Facebook, Twitter, and emails. I was happily enjoying food I’d ordered in and planning what I’d write about once the holidays were over for a time.

I knew I had many neat things coming up. Bobby and I would surely visit soon, I was to begin working with the disABILITY Resource Center, and I had hope of other interesting things too. Of course there were the continued challenges of The Neighborhood News with no net connection for my computer at home, it was a continuing work in progress, and the Holiday issue had been late, and I’d been up so late that night before due to many things I’d misspelled the word Edition on the subject line. The one thing I could laugh about? I’d been consistent all the way throughout the emailing process. I had to laugh at my consistency of being wrong.

It made me remember a time gone by. A time during training, when I’d continuously made the same mistake over and over. It had nearly frustrated pour Drew to pieces, but in the end he’d thought of a way to fix the trouble for me. As that memory faded I felt a pang of sadness. I did miss his awesome friendship so. We’d been healthily friendly with one another, and until I’d allowed situations to go so wrong in my own life and to spill in to his, things had been no trouble at all. Now, there seemed to be only the slightest light at the end of that tunnel and I was not at all sure whether it was true light to the outside of it, or if it was yet another train ready to knock me flat once again.

I didn’t know, and for the moment really didn’t care. I couldn’t force the situation. I’d tried. I’d been so obsessed with it, it had almost been worse than the original problem.

Now, it was New Year’s Eve, and I was on the edge of a whole new life. I had a special friend who was sweet, kind, gentle and caring. Who seemed to truly care for both me and Campbell, and even was ok with Kitty Bob, and he had proven himself to me time and time again. Even when we’d had our rough spot, once the upset had cooled, we had found our way back to one another, and as it turned out, his gentle loving and kind ways were instrumental in bringing things back in to alignment for us.

I still couldn’t quite believe I could even call someone like him a friend, and it was an awesome thing to be bringing in to the new year with me.

I longed for my daughter and grand children and barely dared to hope that maybe just maybe during 2016 I might be granted the privilege of seeing them once again.

In the meantime I had a party to have. Campbell and Bob Cat were ready to play and I was ready to enjoy!

Finally the clock began to tick tock down the last few moments of 2015, and I tuned in via the CBS News App. to get the ball dropping in Time Square. For ever since I could remember I’d watched that. Even as a child,  being allowed to remain up long passed my bed time on New Year’s Eve if I could stay awake.

Each year I felt the same sense of excitement and fear as the last minute was counted down till Midnight, and then once the moment passed I felt a difference in the time I couldn’t quite put my finger on, but when I spoke to Bobby about it later he understood the shifting I spoke of when the old year went and the new year began.

New Year’s Day

Patty L Fletcher

January 1 2016

Now here we are nearly twenty-four hours later. It is after eight in the evening. Just about the time we began our New Year’s Eve party last night. I am reminded of last night during my Virtual New Year’s Eve party with my friends of someone’s continuous posting private messages to me of how miserable they were. I suddenly had been no longer able  to stand it and had simply posted to my Facebook timeline that I was done with the buzz kills, would they please stop private messaging me with their pity party get off their asses and make their lives as they wanted. I was over it! I wrote that I was celebrating, that I was by myself except for the company of my animals, music, Facebook, and myself, and that I was having a good time, and damned proud of the fact that I’d gotten through some horrible shit and made it out of 2015 on the upswing. I didn’t want to hear all that crap. This person messaging me had had opportunity after opportunity to change their life and was more afraid of doing it than not and I had tried to help till I simply couldn’t. I had learned over these last few years that there truly was no one to blame for my fuck up junk but me, and that if I wanted it unfucked I’d have to do it, and I was working on it. I simply had decided people who could do nothing but throw parties that consisted of “Wa Wa why me” I simply wanted no more to do with. This friend was one who was smart, and capable, and while the circumstance they found themselves in was problematic, the problems could easily be solved with a life style change, that they were unwilling to make. Not unable mind you, unwilling. I’d been there done that, and had the melt down. I wanted no more, and had decided to do better. I’d written of my “Journey to be well” and had published it. I hoped it would help others. In the mean time Here I am and here you are, and if you don’t like things as they are, then get off your ass and fix it.

That’s something I found myself wanting to tell a caller or two every now and then when I worked for Contact Concern. I won’t go further with that, except to add that there were and are some who call that line, who could, if they chose, pull themselves out of the muck they’re in, and make better for, and of themselves.

I am so thankful for all those I have had thus far, who have assisted me along my way with that.

There have been times in my life, even in my not so distant past where I was sitting on the floor wondering where my next meal would come from, where I’d get the rent, and going to work every day helping others answer those questions. I was at times, much like the electrician  without power.

I had laughed at it, and found the good in it, gotten up off my ass and done something about it.

I remembered how my property manager had been shocked when I called her that hot day in early July and said, “Jane, if I sign my paychecks from Contact Concern over to the company for my rent may I stay?” She’d talked with the home owner, they’d given me a chance, and here I am now, in 2016 still here, and paying my rent lights and water on time each month, and making less now than ever.

Why? Cause I worked my ass off, people were given reason to trust and believe in me and they worked with me to make it so that was possible, even if everything I made left me but my disability. I’d seen the end coming of my job even then.

I’d been having physical problems that were although unknown to me, directly related to my mental problems, and how I went another complete fall winter, and spring before going in to full crisis treatment, I’ll never know, but now all that is behind me, and I am making a new and wonderful life that I am truly enjoying.

My friendships are true and I believe will turn out to be strong and everlasting, and some might even become more. In the meantime I am enjoying growing what I have.

Learning new things, and continuing down the pathway of life.

Before I go this day, let me share a couple of things with you. First off this is the fourth  day of January already. If at the end of this day you cannot name one great thing that happened in your day, and you believe your day was bad, ask yourself what you could’ve done to have made it better, or even great, then get up on January fifth  and make it so.

In the meantime, yall have a great day, and remember only you can make it that way.

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