Hi again everyone! I’ve been doing some thinking today, and while I know that can be a dangerous thing for me to do I have come to a few conclusions, and the first one is that I am honestly my own worst enemy.
I’ll start with what I know.
It no longer matters how I have ended up in the situations I find myself in. The job for me now, is to figure out what the best route is out of them, and how to make everlasting changes.
I have also decided that even though it is extremely difficult for me to walk completely away from situations where I can find no closure I am going to have to figure out a way to do it once and for all. It no longer matters who is right or wrong where all that is concerned. No longer matters how bad the loss of a dear friend hurts. Reality of the situation is they’re gone, they refuse for whatever reasons to meet me half way and once and for all put it to rest, the job for me now is to finally find a way to put it behind me. This is very hard for me. It is a part of my illness I have not yet learned to take a firm hand with. I somehow have to get out of my mind the thought that it simply would not kill someone to give me five minutes of their time, talk with me and help me work though some of that which haunts me so. I am trying. I don’t promise immediate result. I do however have to find a different outlet for the frustration I feel because I have occurred problems from this and I am no longer helping myself dealing with it as I have been. I have to say it was quite hurtful when i tried to resolve the issue by going through a responsible third party who had they wanted to could’ve made a huge difference only to have that person say to me, “Your problems go far beyond the scope of what is done here.” I found it only made things worse when I tried to explain that part of what was done, was why I had the problems. I have been told in so many words… “We’re done with you.” So that is that.
So… Now that I have figured out that I am only making things worse for myself what to do? Take it one step at a time. I’m going to focus on moving. Work on trying to get someone privately who will help me learn what I need to know about the new area in which I will be living, and try my damnedist to build some sort of decent life for myself. It is obvious that I can do nothing more about anything but what I have direct control over. I can control much of what I do in my own day to day life, and so from now on the only thing I want is to try and get moved, and settled into a new place. I don’t know whether I’ll make new friends. Don’t know if once they see the bad of me as well as the good whether they’ll stay my friends or not, but I am simply going to try once more to pull myself up and walk onward the best I can.
I still maintain that my book, Campbell’s Rambles: How a Seeing Eye Dog Retrieved My Life is true and did happen as I wrote. I will soon as I am able be putting out my second book The Raw Truth: Campbell’s Rambles Book Two, and I also stand by what will be in those pages. I do not lie! Best thing i can say about that is, if you have questions ask. Ask me about what I write. Don’t run your mouth to others. You got questions for Drew Gibbon write and ask him. I cannot promise he’ll answer you. He sure as hell don’t answer me. I don’t say as I blame him. I might be better than I was, but I aint out of the woods yet. One thing we all know… You do not reach down into the pit of quicksand to help someone. If you do they’ll drag you down with them. If I had to guess, and guessing is as good as I have right now, that’s probably a bit how he feels about reaching out to help me deal… I am not where I need to be yet but by God I’m working on it and I’ll be damned if I am going to give up…
I am still alive. The world on which I make my home is still spinning and there is still hope.
Could I use a bit of a blessing? YEs. Could I use a bit of encouragement, and maybe a bit of…You’re doing a good job, now work twice as hard on the rest? Sure. Am I going to get any of that? Doubtful. Does it matter? Only to my feelings. Not to my success. I just have to accept what is, change what I can, and try to say to hell with the rest.
I do not know if I’ll succeed, but I gotta try…
Thanks for reading, and until next time this is Patty and the ever loving awesome King Campbell AKA Bubba saying…
Keep trying…trying…trying…and blessid be.