Hi campbellsworld visitors. I hope this night finds you well. Below is a muse…
Something I wrote, while dealing with a hurt. A hurt I should not allow to be so.
Somehow, I cannot help it. It just, well, hurts.
“If I’m ugly, they cannot hurt me.”
I thought it again, as I slipped the thick chocolate brownie from the box. Biting down into the soft sweetness sent a rush through me, that was immediately washed away by a deep sadness.
I threw the rest back inside and squashed down the lid.
“It’s not true.” I sobbed. No matter what people can get to you to hurt you. Being ugly and fat doesn’t stop it. Not anymore. Not since the internet. People cannot see you, so they don’t care. They can say and do what they want, and if they’re in charge, they get by with it too. Oh, and your ‘friends’ Humph! Ha! They don’t ever stick up for you. Oh! Private messages saying ‘Man that mod was a real dick to you’ but no one ever sticks up for you where it matters.”
I sat scanning the book titles. I’d read the damned book now if it killed me. “Don’t care how boring the fucker is. I’ll read it, talk about it, and be at the chat. Tired of those fuckers spouting off nastily at me, and then never having anything nice to say. Even when I helped them not long ago, they couldn’t have anything but hateful shit to say to me. Let another list member’s book, that isn’t even on the damn NLS website be announced in a chat, but I’ve never been allowed to mention my second book. No support at all, just jabs and hurt, and nothing I can do can protect me. Oh sure, leave the email list, but despite how the mods treat me, it’s still the best book list round.”
I sat fuming about the hurt that I felt, and decided somehow, I must do something to make it right. Can’t let people see me as an ass.
Guess I’ll find the book and read it. Hell, maybe I’ll stay awake and like it.
“Won’t matter though. If I wrote and said I gave it five stars the mods would have something to say. I wrote once not long ago after I’d been reading for about an hour and half, which for the book I was reading was about half through, that I loved the book. And all I got for my trouble was an admonishment saying that while they loved that readers were enthusiastic about what they were reading, they hesitated to talk about it till they were done, might change their mind or something. When I wrote that even if I changed my mind I could talk about that, and why in the review, and asked if that would make good discussion, they had nothing to say. Even though other list members thought it a good idea. Nothing, not unless they can tare me down and make me look small in front of all. Make me feel worthless is what they do. Make me feel like my reviews are trash, like my opinion is nothing, and like I should just not be.”
I know, No one can “Make us feel” but right now I do, and if I’m ugly, it will still hurt.
I stopped writing, and slipping another brownie from the box, found the title I was searching for. The download came through with a ding. The sweetness filled my mouth, and tears, fell down.
May harmony find you, blessid be.