“Part of getting well, is realizing you have a problem.” Once again last night I “Allowed” someone to get the better of me, and my OCD almost got out of hand. This time though I realized where it was headed, and instead of letting it head me off and get me out of control, I headed it off and I felt great about it, and I still do. I just wrote a while ago and said, to the person, “The reason I became so infuriated, is because your behavior triggered me.” I also told them that if they didn’t start showing sign of improving that I would have to stop contact with them until they did. Reason I gave? Well I tried to explain that for me OCD texting is like an addiction and like any other drug or thing that you are addicted to, when that type of thing begins and I start thinking about texting others that way I realize I am in trouble. It is for me the same as when someone wants a drink. I have to distance myself from that. For whatever reason I find I am only fixated on certain ones. We’re still working on that part, in the mean time this is not personal, and I still love all my peeps who display this behavior, you just gotta take it somewhere else. I can’t have it in my play yard. OK? Anyhow, this morning I am feeling good about myself and how far I’ve come. A real important person in the area told me yesterday, “You make me proud to know you.” This blew me away! This person is a great awesome smart educated and well respected member of the community. I live like I live and am as I am, and he said, “You make me proud to know you.” This means I am doing better. This means people do notice that I am trying, and this means I don’t have to let people bully me, push me around or make me feel obligated to them. I don’t have to stay in business or personal relationships I don’t feel comfortable in, and I am ok to make good solid decisions. I have a nice, guy, who is showing me some great attention, and he seems to care about me, he is gentle and wants to show me about real and true friendships and love, and he goes out of his way to come here from another town and help me and be with me, and he doesn’t even drive. What does this say? This says no matter what my daughter thinks, my friends who ditched me because I no longer wanted to play their games, and those who won’t give me another chance, it says they might be wrong for a change. I am getting well, I am doing good, I am just now published in a great anthology with folks who are great writers, and they included me. I have been put in to a list for yet another right on top of this one to be released in a month. This doesn’t happen to folks who are not trying and are not doing well. So all yall just stand aside and watch me rise out of the crap I put myself in, and don’t make excuse why you can’t. My mother used to say, “Can’t means won’t” She also used to say, “I am not going to help you until you try.” My mother would’ve have not liked what went on last evening during a time that should’ve been private and without interruption for the one behaving such, and she would not have liked my behavior in response. How about that? Do we see what I did here? My therapist calls that “Owning one’s problem” Now, am I tooting my horn here? Maybe, just a bit. Recognizing what one does that is good is ok to do.
What is not good about this?
A) Using what you do to bully another. “I have been at times guilty of that. I wasn’t aware I did it until someone pointed it out.” I was grateful to that person and love them to this day for that.
B) It is not good to use this tactic to get what you want; to guilt people in to doing for you because you “Have a problem with___” You can fill in the blank. Only you know what you do, but if this is bothering you, it means that you like me are at times a master manipulator. I have done that, and am again, grateful to those who have shown me.
C) It can cause loved ones to leave your life forever. To just throw up their hands and say, “you know? I’m done; you are more trouble than you are worth.” Ever happen to you? Have loved ones, dear friends, treasured ones you will never see again because they just said, enough is enough?” Don’t answer me. No need to write back unless you believe talking about it openly and honestly will help. Just think about it. Again I have this.
D) Last but not least. Regaining the trust of even one of the above mentioned is nearly impossible. So if you have not yet had any of the above mentioned, I’d strongly suggest you get in to therapy, find a doctor, get diagnosed, and live…! I wish I had!