Sometimes finding the positive within a negative is hard. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in the hard parts of the things we are going through in our lives, that we do not realize that what we are going through may indeed be the answer to a prayer we’ve been asking for. Today I want to share a story with you which I hope will illustrate some of what it is I am talking about here. Please realize that words like you, we, etc are general wording, and not meant to point at any one person. If this speaks to you in some way it will be up to you to decide why. The only person I can accurately refer to in any of what I speak of is myself.
So here goes.
In 2011 as many of you know I went to The Seeing Eye and for me it was a life changing experience. Also, as many of you know I was even then keeping secrets concerning my personal life. My “Then” Fiancé and I were keeping house, well in a sort of a way. We shared a house that had two separate living quarters, but we shared all expenses and many daily life activities. In my mind we were supposed to have been building a future together. I would learn however as time went along that that was not truly the case. I began to truly become aware of these things when I attended The Seeing Eye in Morristown New Jersey. Once I returned home however, I began to try desperately to take what I had found while there, and place it within the life I had at home. Soon I would come to learn that this did not mix any better than oil or water, and by the time the first six months had gone by I was beginning to come unraveled inside, and trying harder than ever to keep it locked away from my friends, family, and especially those I’d met and come to like very much while at The Seeing Eye.
After a while, this truly began to take a bad toll on me. I began to have serious health issues, mainly mental health issues, and these issues bled over on to one of the persons I’d come to like very much while there. It was not intentional, and it was not done in a way of malice, but it was done just the same.
Then once I realized what I’d done, and how badly I’d done it, I began to wish I could take it back, but there is no way to go back once a thing has been done, in fact the truth is once a thing is done it cannot be undone. What one needs to do then is to go forward. So, although very misguided forward I did try to go, but for a long time I was stuck in what I call a revolving door loop of life, and couldn’t let it go, thus making the problem worse than ever.
Sense that time in my life I have begun to see rejection and discontent in many different people places and things, but in truth some of what I saw may have been my own mind coloring my past, thus I have continued to make even more mistakes. Recently I found that I once again was in such a situation where things had gotten out of hand during a situation and I couldn’t just turn it off, and once again, tried the same behavior expecting a different result. As we all know this never happens, thus the saying of a friend, “If you always do what you did, you will always have what you have.” So I began to fight against this. This however was not the correct answer either, and it is just now, while watching a friend struggle with similar circumstance of once again repeating mistakes in her life and expecting different results that I began to look a bit closer in my own life. When I truly looked within myself I saw things I simply no longer wanted, and began to try and rid myself of this type of behavior, but as life would have it things continue to trigger me and I continue to reoffend by over reacting and doing impulsive things rather than taking my very own advice and stopping to think before I act. This is only another result of doing the same thing and expecting different results, and just this morning I realized that the current trials going on in my life is God once again trying to show me that the mistakes I have been making are once again rising up and out of me and that if I do not find a way to work through these issues that cause me to feel so that I will continue in this loop forever. I liken it to a Star Trek episode I saw once where the crew of the Second Generation was stuck in a time continuum and couldn’t get out of the loop. They continued to make the same mistake over and over and continued to get the same result of destruction. Finally they began to share what they thought with one another and soon realized what was happening, and each made small changes to make something different happen, and in the end saved their ship and all the people within. So this day I have decided to try things a bit differently. I am simply going to relax with certain situations, and let them go. For example, a while back a friend of mine suddenly stopped talking to me. Now this friend is not a mean person and is not a bad person, and somehow I missed what it was that was finally the straw for him, but rather than pester him each day or so as I have done some in the past, I have simply taken his lead and when he is comfortable talking with me we talk. He has now opened the door for us to text “occasionally” and I suppose he is testing the water with me to see how I will behave sense he knows of my behavior with another, and I am more than sure doesn’t want to allow that behavior to enter his own life, and thus completely destroy a friendship. It took me a while to understand this, at first I was very hurt, and felt he was doing as so many before him had done, but this was not the case at all, and as I have tried a different approach and have gotten different results, I have come to learn an important lesson, and that is, that, God gives us lessons, through our trials, hurts, and yes sometimes even our needs, and if we continue to do the same behaviors expecting different results without making any changes, sooner or later our “Up against the wall experience” will end up costing us very dearly. It saddens me to watch a friend of mine to continue once again down this path, and even though this friend knows what she needs to do she is continuing to be angry and sometimes even though she doesn’t mean to hateful and even hurtful with her comments, but this time rather than argue or try and make a point, I have decided to simply say, “it is your life, you must live it as you see fit, and you know what you need to do and you know that if you don’t the same thing is going to continue and continue until it simply can continue no longer and you lose all.”
There is simply no more to do. I can only love this friend pray for this friend, and hope that she doesn’t come to a bad end if she doesn’t learn.
I for one am this day rejoicing in my trials, and am as we speak sitting at a desk at the public library where I am writing this, and will post soon. Why? Because I have made repetitive mistakes, expecting different results and have found that doesn’t work, and am now without internet at home, but this time I see it as a blessing. First off I will get financially back on track faster if I have to work a bit harder to do what I need to do for my writing work. Secondly if I am going to the library a few days a week, I will be getting out of the house, and also if I am limited to the internet usage I have for a while it is going to stop some of the things that trigger me while on the net because sense my time is limited I will make better choices concerning what I spend my internet time on, thus I won’t be spending too much time on negativity or things that although probably not intended to trigger me and allow me to let them make me upset.
You see, I’ve prayed many times to be shown what it is I do that causes people to want to shy away from me, and end up rejecting me, and God has been showing me all along, and until now I simply did not want to see, but finally the light came on and I do absolutely get it. Will I absolutely become cured from my problems and ways? No, probably not. Some of what I do and how I behave is simply part of who and what I am and is exasperated by the illness of Bipolar which I suffer from, but I do not have to continue doing the same things always, and expecting different results, and I am so very thankful. Seems like the answer has been there for a while.
So this time round I am changing the way I handle a situation that would normally upset me badly, and it feels awesome.
I am grateful to all who helped create my trial and upset this last week or so and I am learning I am the one that allows my reactions and that even if someone else is nasty to me, does or says bad things to me or about me then I simply don’t have to allow myself to react in a bad way back, thus I am learning a whole new way of coping and living.
Isn’t that awesome? I thought that I’d lost something this week, when in fact I have gained much, and what I gained will go with me in an awesome way for the rest of my life, just because I thought before I reacted this one time. Just one change can cause other changes, and pretty soon you’ve Vibed yourself right back up the scale and right out of the trial and in to the triumph!
Until next time, this is Patty and all from The Campbell Kingdom saying, “May harmony find you, and Blessid Be”