Birthday Gift From a Friend
Hello campbellsworld visitors and readers everyone and all!
I’d like to share something a friend of mine sent to me for my birthday.
I loved it so much, that I’ve decided to share.
I’ve included his website at the end.
See, one of the reasons that this gift meant so much is that it is something he, a co-author friend, created.
I also love it because it is something I can enjoy with no help from another.
A birthday gift
Larry enjoyed shopping for gifts whatever the
occasion, whether it was Christmas, Easter,
anniversaries or birthdays. He liked to surprise
and delight the recipients with thoughtful
presents, ones which nobody else would have
contemplated, especially the recipients
So, He was in his element as he strode through
the city, peering at the window displays and
browsing the shelves and racks of countless
stores. Larry was looking for inspiration, looking
for something which would become that special,
It was Larry’s wife Amanda’s thirty fifth
birthday on Saturday, he was determined to
make an amazing find.
He wanted, he needed, to give Amanda a gift
even she, after all these years of marriage, could
not possibly have thought of, not even in her
He was about to cross the street when, from the
corner of his eye, he caught a glimpse of a
yellow object in the adjacent store window.
Curiosity got the better of him. He turned about
and walked closer to the window. Cupping his
hands to shield his eyes from the reflections of
the bright sun, Larry pressed his nose against the
The yellow object was seated on a cylindrical
plinth. A small sign propped next to it read
Eureka… this was it. This would make the
perfect birthday present for Amanda.
Fifteen minutes later, Larry left the store with a
bag containing the Taser and a pack of two triple
Once home, he opened the bag, unboxed the
Taser and began to read the instructions.
This was a basic routine Larry adopted with all
the goods he bought, particularly the ones which
required some form of power to operate them.
By making certain every gift he purchased
worked correctly, Larry saved himself from ever
giving a defective present to anybody. It was, in
his opinion, the right thing to do, because there
are few things more disappointing than giving,
or receiving, a duff gift.
There were then the lame apologies, the time
and hassle it took to return the goods, the
waiting for replacements or exchanges. It was far
better to check all the items out first and deal
with any problems before giving the gifts to
Today’s remaining task, was for Larry to ensure
the Taser was working in accordance with the
operating instructions. Only when he was
satisfied it was, would he re-package and gift
wrap the item.
A small screwdriver was required to remove the
battery compartment cover.
Once done Larry inserted both batteries,
ensuring he got the polarities positioned
correctly and replaced the cover.
The instruction manual said this was a 100,000
volt, purse or pocket size, personal protection
device and was not a toy. ‘Not a toy’ was written
in bold red print and double underlined. It also
was also clear, once the batteries were inserted,
the Taser was ready to go.
All the user needed to do was push the small red
thumb sized button ‘located centrally on the
Larry pushed the button. Nothing happened.
Larry felt a wave of disappointment wash over
him. Turning back to the instructions he began
to read each line very carefully, so he could
isolate the reason why the Taser was not
It soon became clear the Taser would only work
when both ‘contact points’, the two small
protrusions of metal at the front of the device,
were in direct contact with a ‘material which has
the ability to conduct electricity’ and the ‘red
thumb button’ was ‘fully depressed’.
Larry took the Taser into the garden and placed
the contact points against the metal of his
gardening fork and pressed the red button. He
was impressed by the blue arc of electricity
which darted back and forth between the contact
Satisfied the Taser was working, Larry returned
to the lounge. Picking up the instruction leaflet
once more he began folding it, ready to pack the
Taser away neatly in its box, when the words
‘The effects of this device are short lived, with no
long term adverse effects on your assailant’
seemed to jump from the page. This got Larry
thinking the shock emitted from this pocket size
Taser could not actually be so bad, especially as
it was only powered by two very small triple ‘A’
Glancing around, he spied Tabitha, the family
cat… which made Larry consider, if he was to be
absolutely certain the Taser did what the
packaging promised, he would have to test it on
a live, flesh and blood target.
Larry did not like the thought of Amanda using
the Taser in a real life-threatening situation, only
to find it did nothing but tickle like a joke shop
The image of zapping Tabitha did, for a fleeting
second, run through Larry’s mind, but he
dismissed the notion, after all she was a sweet,
trusting and unassuming cat.
Placing his reading glasses on his nose Larry
continued reading the pamphlet. The directions
suggested a one second burst would shock and
disorient any assailant. Two seconds would
cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily
control, while three seconds would make your
assailant jerk and flip like a fish out of water.
Over three seconds would drain the Taser’s
batteries so, was not recommended.
Larry was not convinced, such a small device
which was about five inches long, palm size,
pocket size, purse size and no thicker than three
quarter inch, powered by two teeny weeny
batteries could do half of the damage the
“There is absolutely no way” Larry told himself.
He wanted proof. After all, he was convinced
this was more of a deterrent, than a true Taser,
more of a toy than the manufactures would have
you believe. So, Larry placed the prongs against
the bare flesh of his leg and pushed the red
When he regained consciousness, he found
himself lying on the floor in a foetal position
with tears streaming down his face.
Furthermore, His body was soaking wet, both of
his nipples were on fire and his testicles had
receded to their pre-pubescent position, if not
The cat was half way up the wall clinging in
desperation to a picture frame, the armchair,
Larry had been sitting on, was overturned, lying
about eight feet from where it had been and
Larry’s reading glasses were a crumpled mess of
bent metal and cracked glass.
How long he had lain on the floor seemed
somewhat irrelevant, as did time itself at this
point. Unable to stand Larry rolled over onto his
stomach, got into a kneeling position and, on
shaking, twitching and jumping legs managed to
stand upright, or at least partially erect.
Larry caught his reflection in the mirror above
the fireplace, he was so drained of colour his
skin looked translucent. His face felt like it had
been given several shots of Novocain and his
bottom lip now weighed about three stone.
Staring in the mirror at the pathetic mess he now
was, Larry found he had no control over his
drooling, no sense of smell and he was certain he
saw trails of smoke coming from his hair.
Three hours later, four strong black coffees, two
shots of whiskey and a long cool shower had
Larry back to a state of normality, albeit a very
delicate branch of normality.
Once he rearranged the furniture in the lounge,
calmed and fed Tabitha and found his spare
reading glasses, he sat and carefully wrapped
Amanda’s present in colourful gift wrap, before
fastening the package with ribbon.
This was one birthday gift which would be truly
unforgettable, especially for Larry.
Although this is not an original story, but one which has been
circulating the internet for years, it made me laugh enough for
me to re-write, to slightly alter and edit, until I was happy it
was a little something I could share with my friends, to add a
little extra cheer to their birthdays.
I hope I have done that.
Happy Birthday, Paul 😊
Isn’t that cool?
Well, anyhow, here’s the link. Yall make sure and visit. Let’em know Patty and Campbell sent ya!
Until next time, this is Patty, who totally loves her gift, and Campbell who is snoozing saying…
May harmony find you, and blessid be.